That was too easy. Let me rewind and show you what it’s like to be Purple.

As I write this in Mexico City, the last 24 hours as Purple for Halloween in Miami were legendary … I stayed at the Ritz Carlton in South Beach. I recommend the club level so that you can access the Club lounge. It will save you millions in excess Miami booze and food costs.

Apologies for my camera skills; this is real life, not filtered BS. As you can see, there was no reason for me to eat anywhere else. The restaurants in Miami are excellent, but every meal is like $1,000. As an eligible bachelor, that makes no sense.

Ok, so I checked in, ate my free lunch, and started the Purple process. The first stop was the Hochstein Ball. I was the event’s headline DJ, so I came early to prep. Lenny Hochstein was mad at me for showing up so early. That’s him walking back in after stating, “Nik, I told you 10 PM!”. The party was great, everyone thought I was Purple, and the plastic body parts were flowing and showing.

After I gave my phone number to a bunch of older women, I left to have a late dinner with my boss Dave Grutman. I visited GEKKO for the first time … wow. The food was so good. I was shocked. You can tell Groot had nothing to do with the menu, and they hired a real chef. The $600 lobster and this brown-looking desert are must-have items.

World-famous DJ Cedric Gervias was at dinner too, but he was too busy watching the Jake Paul scam fight on his phone. We left dinner and went to Gervais’ party at LIV Nightclub. Slammed. The show was so good that Tiffany Trump was jamming in the DJ Booth with me, and these Gen Z girls thought I was Purple and kept touching me for no reason.

Eventually, the real Purple showed up and ruined my game. By 3 AM, I was exhausted, so I decided to go to another house party where I met up with everyone Purple had ever known. Long story short, I was treated like Miami royalty and went to bed at 6 AM like an actual 43-year-old.

A special thank you to Amazon for all my jewels for under $150 and eBay for my uniform for $200. Now I understand why Purple is the #2.