If you didn’t achieve your O.C. moment last night, you are not in “true love.”

The whole point of NYE is to kiss someone at midnight (allegedly). This was my first year not kissing someone O.C. style in over 20 years. At 43 years old, I’ve realized the quest for “true love” is holding me back. I was so brainwashed, thinking I needed a partner, I never realized how amazing being single is.

So if this wasn’t you and Mischa Barton at midnight, don’t worry. That kiss only leads to devastation and procreation … meaning more expenses for others to retire.